Wonder Woman

Title:  Wonder Woman
Series: You Want us to Profile Who?
Series Order: 3
Fandom: Criminal Minds, Justice League
Category: Mystery, Procedural
Ratings: PG
Pairings: Spencer Reid/Diana Prince
Characters: Aaron Hotchner, Bruce Wayne/Batman, Spencer Reid, Diana Prince, Other BAU Members
Spoilers: None
Summary: Amanda Waller has given the BAU an impossible task, profile the Justice League.
Words: 3386
Warnings: None
Tags: Crack!Fic, Dark Comedy, Crack Crossover, Experimental
Beta: None. No non-consensual Beta
Notes: THIS IS A CRACKFIC. This is an experiment and it may go horribly wrong. There won’t be regular updates as I have to get reacquainted with some of the characters. I already have plans for the founding members, but if there is a character you’d like me to do let me know in the comments.

“Now that is one fine woman,” Morgan said appreciatively.

“Who?” The rest of the team was filtering in the conference room ready to start working on the JLA project.

“Wonder Woman, I mean come on,” Morgan was making appreciate noises at the picture of the beautiful brunette.

“I seriously doubt that even you could handle a woman like that,” Prentiss teased her partner.

“Oh see, that is where you’re wrong princess. A woman like that you don’t handle, she handles you,” Morgan smiled playfully.

JJ was looking between her friends and just shook her head. “Morgan, what would Savannah say if she heard you talking like that?”

“Hey we all got our freebie lists, and she is definitely on mine”. He joked.

“Seriously, what are you 14?”

And before he could say anything more Hotch cleared his throat and said, “Okay, if we’re done ogling here, can we get back to the reason we’re here?” He looked at his team
with his customary frown, but there was a bit of a twinkle in his eye.

“Well, what do we know about the beautiful Amazonian?” Rossi said.

“Seriously Dave? Don’t tell me you want to make her wife number 4, She’d rip you to shreds”. Hotch said playfully

“Hey, but it would be a pleasant way to go”. Rossi smiled almost, but not quite, lecherously.

“Well, you’re wedding plans need to put on the back burner, we’ve got a profile to compile,” Hotch smirked, waited for the barb, but put his hand up to stop his best friend. “Okay, let’s start again, what do we know about Wonder Woman?”

“Well, we know she’s from a previously uncharted Island, though I am still confused on how that was possible. With satellite images as early as 1946 and with the improvements over the decades we should have been able to see…”

“Reid,” Hotch stopped him before he could go off on a history lesson on satellite imaging.

“Sorry, it’s just…well it’s frustrating…”

“Oh pretty boy doesn’t know somethin’ this has got to go down in the history books. Mark this day Garcia, Spencer Reid officially does not know everything”. Morgan teased his best friend.

“I don’t think I know everything Morgan, but this is just not possible”.

“Okay, let’s put aside the fact that the Island she came from was obscured, what do we know about the woman herself?” Hotch asked, trying to get his team back on track.

“Well, she’s strong, like Superman strong, she smart. Like Reid smart,” Spencer quirked up his mouth in a smile hearing JJ go through the attributes they knew about the Amazonian. “She has a very defined sense of justice. Not just what’s right or wrong, but true justice. She always wants to see the best in people, although that altruistic nature may have dimmed a little after spending time with humanity”. JJ looked sad.

Reid picked-up on the sadness in JJ’s voice, “JJ?”

“Well, Spence, don’t you remember some of the stories about her innocence and naiveté when she first appeared? I mean we see the worst in people every day, don’t you think that’s affected all of us? Hell, even Garcia has those days where she’s not her bright, sparkly self, what do you think it’s done to Wonder Woman over the few years she’s been around?”

“True, but we don’t know that for sure. All we have to go on are the eyewitness accounts and interviews of people she’s helped save. And, I’m sure that much like Superman, there are people out there that may be afraid of the things that she can do”. Emily said as she mused over her own thoughts of the enigmatic woman.

“Okay, Reid and Emily I want you guys to thoroughly go over those eyewitness accounts and try to compile an outsider’s view of the woman. Rossi and Morgan I want you to take the known interviews and do the same thing. JJ talk to your press contacts and see what you can get out of them. Let’s compile more information about the woman before we start working on a formal profile”. Hotch dismissed them and they each went about their tasks.

Garcia looked to her boss and asked, “What do you want me to do my liege?”

Hotch smiled warmly at Garcia, he hadn’t forgotten her, he had waited till everyone was out of the room, “What I want you to do is get with your, ahem, contacts and see what kind of information is out there on her. Also, look into this Island Themyscira because Reid is right, satellite’s should have picked it up decades ago, but they didn’t. Try to find out why, no matter how crazy it might sound”.

“You got it bossman”. She picked-up her things and left the room.

Hotch stood looking at the picture and felt almost guilty for this one. He hadn’t felt particularly guilty about profiling Batman, for god sakes he was sociopath 101, and Superman was complex, but they were able to work out a fairly accurate profile on him. Wonder Woman though, he felt was a whole different ball of wax. She really was an enigmatic, engaging woman who he feared that humanities cruelties to each other may have dimmed something in her. He hoped, though, that he was wrong.
It was early still when Hotch let them all go home. It was a Friday night and Spencer decided he didn’t want to go home right away so he drove to one of his favorite bookstores that had a small café attached. He was perusing the isles looking for something interesting when he heard a voice next to him.

“Find something interesting?”

“Not really, I was hoping to find something new by James Morrow. I really enjoyed his Godhead trilogy. Not only did it explore the themes of humanities frustration with the idea of God, but they were funny and poignant….and I’m rambling aren’t I”.

“No not at all, I love his books. Have you read Shambling Towards Hiroshima? I thought it was politically scathing and really funny. He reminds me of a modern day Kurt Vonnegut”.

Reid finally turned to look at the woman who was talking to him, and his jaw dropped, “Yeah…Vonnegut..” All speech left him at the moment as he was staring right in the face of Wonder Woman herself.

“You’re…you’re…. Wonder Woman…” He was still looking at her with gaping jaw.

“Please, call me Diana. I’m just a regular woman. And you are?” She held out her hand for him to shake.

He took it and smiled wide, “I’m uh, I’m Spencer…ah Dr. Spencer Reid, nice to meet you Diana”. He didn’t tell her that, that was his Mother’s name, he didn’t think it would be appropriate.

“Well, you are cute when you smile”.

Spencer started to blush a deep red, “What are you a Dr. of Spencer Reid?” She smiled the most beautiful smile at him, which just made everything worse.

“I’m um,” He was trying to put some books back on the shelf and miscalculated and a bunch of them fell down, “Well, I ah have three doctorates, Math, Science and Engineering”. He kept trying to put the books back and it just got worse. It didn’t help that Wonder Woman was giggling at the struggling young genius.

Finally she decided to put him out of his misery, “Here, let me help”. She bent down when he did and they bumped foreheads.

“Um, sorry…so sorry…”

She put a hand on his arm, “It’s okay Spencer,” And she gave him that smile again. He calmed down enough for them to put all of the books back to rights. “Why don’t we get out of here and go get some coffee or something?” She said.

“Really?” Spencer didn’t know what to say, this never really happened to him.

“I think I like you, Spencer, but I want to know for sure. Come on, my treat”. He smiled shyly at her as they walked out of the bookstore and went to a nearby coffee shop. They spent a pleasant hour drinking coffee and talking. Neither one wanted the evening to end so they found a cozy restaurant and had dinner together. After they were done, they said their goodbye’s but exchanged phone numbers. They also made plans to see each other on Sunday, that is if neither person had a crisis to help avert. Spencer definitely had a spring in his step all the way back to his car.

That evening when he fell asleep his nightmares had been chased away by dreams of the smart, funny and beautiful Wonder Woman.
That Monday Reid walked into the BAU bullpen with a bit of a spring in his step and a smile plastered on his face. “Well, well, well, If I didn’t know any better boy genius here had a very good weekend? So, Reid, spill, what put that spring in your step and that huge smile on your face?” Morgan had accosted Reid as he was sitting down at his desk.

“Nothing, just had a good weekend. Found a some new books and spent a good weekend at home”. The lie easily slipped from his lips. For some reason he didn’t want Morgan to know about Diana. Just then Hotch called them all to the conference room and told them about a case they had just been given. It was the sadistic rape and torture of four women in Lake Havasu City. The problem? It was spring break which made their jobs all that much harder.

They didn’t have time to get back to the profile of Wonder Woman for a couple of weeks as they had back to back cases. When they finally got a couple of days they were able to get back to working on the ongoing JLA project.

“Okay, so what have we got on Wonder Woman?”

“Hotch, I think with here, what we see is pretty much what we get. Everyone said she’s fiercely protective, especially of women and children. The initial distrust she had of men has been waning, from what eyewitnesses have said. She is justice driven, needs to see the oppressors and abusers brought to trial”. Emily started.

“That’s pretty much what we got also Hotch,” Rossi and Morgan confirmed what Emily had said.

“Okay, we’ll build from there”. And they did, after several hours going over all the information they had compiled they built a working profile and added it to the JLA database they were keeping.

“Well, everyone, that’s it. Go home and take tomorrow off you all earned it”. It was another Friday and Hotch just gave them a three-day weekend.

Reid was excited about that prospect as he called Diana. Who, unfortunately, was embroiled in a nasty fight with The Clock King at the time of his call. She called him back a short time later and they made plans to see each other over the weekend.

Instead of going home right away he decided to stay a while and work on the side project that Hotch had given him a few weeks before. When he finally looked at all the maps, realization dawned and he ran up to Hotch’s office to show him his findings.
There was a knock on Hotch’s door, “Come in,” Reid walked in with the special project file in his hands.

“I think I’ve figured something out with this, but I’m not sure what it means”.

“Okay, you want to show me what you’ve got?”

“It’s better if I lay it out, can we do this in the conference room?”

Aaron got up and gathered some files in his briefcase, “Let’s go”.

Spencer met him in the conference room and he had the maps laid out on the table, “So, I noticed a pattern to the different maps. They are all from different styles of maps from different areas of Gotham. Look, here is the first one, then another single one,” Reid had them laid out the maps one on top of the other, “Now the next maps, two from the same area, then three, then five…”

“So this is what like that Fibonacci sequence thing?” Hotch was staring down at what Reid had laid out.

“YES, that’s exactly what this is, but Hotch I have no idea what it means, I have no reference point to make sense out of it. And before you ask I’m not sure this is related to Fe”.

Hotch dialed the phone hoping that his analyst was still there, and was happy when she answered, “Office of the all-knowing Oracle, how can I help you?”

Hotch lifted a brow, the closest to a smile as he got these days, “Garcia, I need you to do a search. I am sending you the names of the different Burroughs of Gotham and I need you to see if there has been any unusual activity in those areas”.

“Is this a new case?”

“No, just a side project I’m helping with. You don’t need to get me the information tonight, but it is something I need you to look into”.

“You got it my liege, I will hit you back when I’ve got something”.

“Thanks Garcia”.

“Do you need anything else from me?”

“Yeah, can you get the case files from the Henry Grace case”.

“You think this has something to do with Grace?”

“It’s too weird of a coincidence not to be connected. Just write up a quick report and get with Garcia in the morning to see if there has been any strange activity, add the maps and bring me everything”. Reid said he’d get everything ready, “Oh and Reid?”

“Yeah Hotch?”

“Keep this quiet for now. That’s all”. Reid quirked up his brow, the only other time that Hotch had kept things under wraps was when Foyet had attacked. This, though, seemed different, but he didn’t question his boss… yet.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then”. Reid left but still had the strange non-case in his head.

Hotch made his way back to his office and was working on some final reports when he heard a familiar voice, “So, a Fibonacci sequence huh. I should have caught that. Your genius picked-up on it right away. So, who’s this Henry Grace?”

Aaron stopped being surprised at Batman’s appearance in his office, “Henry Grace was a serial killer who was obsessed with perfection. David Rossi had written a book on the brother, who was also a serial killer that the BAU apprehended years ago. I’m not sure if there is a connection, but it was the math sequence that got me thinking”.

All of a sudden Batman threw something on Aaron’s desk, when he looked down at it his eyes got dark and his frown deepend, “No”. Is all he said.

“You could help. You have time coming, take a few days, come to Gotham and help me with this”.

“And just how do you know I have time coming?”


“Of course”.

“You know it won’t take long and we may be able to prevent anything from happening, less paperwork for you”. Batman tried to make a joke, which fell flat seeing the dark expression that passed over Hotch’s face.

“If there is a case I will call Gordon myself and get us invited in. I am not going to do it this way. I told you years ago I was done with it, and I mean it Bruce”.

“Yet you still train”.

Aaron’s eyes went to slits, “You following me now Bruce?”

“No, but people talk, that is if you know the right people”.

“No, Bruce, just no, I am not going down that road again, for god sake’s I have a ten year old son that is still missing his mother. I am not going to go back to that so you can forget it”.


“NO. Just no, why haven’t you called Dick? He’s just in Bludhaven, I’m sure he’d help…”

Batman narrowed his eyes at Aaron, “We’re not talking”. There was a dangerous tone to Batman’s voice.

Aaron quirked up his brow, “Why am I not surprised. The answer is still no. You have the whole league you could pull from, or have you alienated them again too?”

“Fine, if you won’t put it on, then I’ll do this myself. If you get more information you know where to reach me”. And just like that he was gone.

Aaron sat down hard in his chair. Batman hadn’t taken the suit with him and, being the profiler he was, knew this was Bruce’s passive aggressive way into trying to talk Aaron into helping. He picked it up and stuffed it into a drawer, locked it and put it out of his mind. He had Jack to think about, he was not going down that road again.
Several Years Later:

Wonder Woman stood at the foot of a grave looking down with a sad heart. She kneeled and put her hand on the fresh soil, “I’m so sorry Spencer. I wished we could’ve had that forever”. Tears flowed from her eyes as a strong and comforting hand fell on her shoulder. Superman stood by her side, knowing just what she was going through.

Their relationship had been a complicated one, both had kept it quiet. She never told The League, only Superman ever knew. He never told his team, he was always a private man and the losses and traumas he went through just made him more introverted.

They only met when they could, because they each had dangerous and unpredictable jobs. She hadn’t wanted to fall in love with the beautiful, engaging genius but he was one of the few men who could keep up with her. But ultimately it was Spencer that broke it off. It was too much for him growing older while she stayed the same. And, it broke her heart when he found someone else. Someone he could truly grow old with. It didn’t stop her from visiting from time to time, even though it hurt them both. When she heard he had fallen ill, mostly from old age, she immediately went to his side. He had smiled at her happy that she had come to him one last time. She kissed him tenderly, silent tears fell from her eyes as he slipped into that forever sleep.

At the funeral she met Jack Hotchner and Henry LaMontagne, children of his former BAU team. They had wondered why she was there but figured she must have been special to Spencer somehow. They traded stories, laughed and cried together. She told them just how special Spencer was to her and they were surprised because he had never told anyone. They both gave her their e-mail addresses and told her if she ever needed to talk, they would always be there.

“Diana, come on, we need to go”. Superman said gently. He knew nothing anyone could say or do could ever truly heal the hurt from watching a loved one die. She stood up and fell into his arms letting out her grief and pain. She thought of what could have been, but she was never sorry that she made the first move on that fateful day they had met in a small corner bookstore. She knew that her life was just a little bit richer for having him for what seemed like a brief moment in time.

“I will never forget you and I will always hold a special place in my heart for you. Goodbye Spencer”. She let Superman lead her up and away as they flew back to The League headquarters. That evening she spent time reading from a book that Spencer had given to her years ago. It had been special to him. It was from a woman he had lost and Diana always wondered why he had given it to her. Tonight, though, she finally understood as she read from The Narrative of John Smith. It was now hers and she would treasure it forever just like he had treasured it before he had given it to her. She looked out to the stars from her room and said, “Goodnight my sweet genius, sleep well into the night”.