Title:  Superman
Series: You Want us to Profile Who?
Series Order: 2
Fandom: Criminal Minds, Justice League
Category: Mystery, Procedural
Ratings: PG
Pairings: Gen
Characters: Aaron Hotchner, Bruce Wayne/Batman, Spencer Reid, Other BAU Members
Spoilers: None
Summary: Amanda Waller has given the BAU an impossible task, profile the Justice League.
Words: 2639
Warnings: None
Tags: Crack!Fic, Dark Comedy, Crack Crossover, Experimental
Beta: None. No non-consensual Beta
Notes: THIS IS A CRACKFIC. This is an experiment and it may go horribly wrong. There won’t be regular updates as I have to get reacquainted with some of the characters. I already have plans for the founding members, but if there is a character you’d like me to do let me know in the comments.

“OH MY GOD, Superman is freakin’ Clark Kent,” Garcia blurted out in the middle of the team working on the profile for Superman.

“Um kitten, what are you talking about?” Rossi asked.

“Oh come on seriously? And you guys are the profilers? The glasses and the hunched over shoulders really fool you guys?”

“Garcia, what evidence do you have that Superman is Clark Kent”. Hotch asked as he put the papers down that he was holding.

“Well, don’t get mad…” Garcia looked up sheepishly.

“Garcia?” Hotch asked in his ‘what have you done now’ tone.

“Well, I kinda did a thing…”

Hotch glared at her. Garcia was his best analyst, but sometimes her previous life as a hacker would leak through every once-in-a-while and it was never good.

“We talked about this Penelope”. Hotch sighed, closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then looked at her, “What did you do?”

Garcia looked at him with a bit of fear in her eyes, “Well, see my Digital Perspective Analysis Rendering program was a bit outdated and I was doing some research to, you know, make it better?” She smiled at Hotch, hoping he’d understand.

His curiosity was a little peaked, the program had helped them many times and he was always glad that she thought three steps ahead when it came to technology. But, sometimes the temptation to do something…outside lawful parameters was tempting.

“Go on…”

“Well, Wayne Industries has this new updated code….” She smiled and raised her brows, hoping he might understand where she was going with this.

“Oh mama, you didn’t do what I think you did?” Morgan asked.

“Maybe…kind of…I may have downloaded part of the program…” She swallowed hard, hoping that she didn’t just lose her job.

“Garcia…” Hotch just shook his head and resigned himself to the fact that his best analyst may never be able to totally leave that part of herself behind. It’s also part of why she was so endearing and so good at what she did. She thought outside the box, but sometimes she went way too far.

“Fine, but we are going to talk about this later”. Hotch glared at her, but there was a tiny bit of amusement behind his eyes. “Okay so, what, you integrated the new code with your original program?”

“YES, exactly and oh man, oh man is it amazing, not only can I get height and weight in relation to the surrounding area, but it will give me the minutest details like shoes size, hand length and width, skin color breakdown…”

“Garcia, how does this relate to Superman”.

“Oh, well I ran the updated program with known pictures of Superman, then I ran it side by side with a traditional facial recognition program and the only pictures that came up were….ta da… prize winning reporter Clark Kent of Metropolis’s Daily planet. Then I ran the two pictures through the new DPAR and wouldn’t you know it all the measurements were exactly the same”.

“Okay, show us”. It took her a couple of minutes to bring up her research and she walked them through step by step what she did. By the end of her presentation she had everyone convinced.

“That’s impressive thinking Garcia, but what made you think about it?”

“I got to thinking about disguises which got me thinking about some of our unsubs, which took me back to that case where you guys were chasing that quick change con man through Georgia? You know, the one who was drowning woman…”

“Yeah, okay we get the one you mean. Ohhh, that’s right the hotel guy, when he said our profile didn’t include anything about glasses”. Morgan said putting two and two together.

“Exactly, my hunky, hunky piece of chocolate goodness”. Garcia smiled wide, her enthusiasm was becoming infectious.

Hotch quirked up his eyebrows and the rest of the group just looked at her dumbfounded.

“Well damn Garcia, if I didn’t know any better, you are becoming quite the profiler yourself”. JJ finally chimed in.

“What, why, why would you say that JJ?” Garcia looked at her friend with a kind of fear in her eyes.

“Because you’re looking past what everyone sees and are making connections no one else has made. You looked at the evidence, you searched for the answer then you applied your profile to the situation, and damn if you aren’t right”.

“JJ is right kitten, I think you have picked up our bad habits over the years”. Rossi smiled, proud of how much Garcia had grown over the years that he’d been back with the BAU.

“It was just logical. But, you think I’m right?”

“It’s pretty impressive research Garcia, and yes I think you are right, so we include this information in the profile”. Hotch said to the team. “Now, let’s get back to it”.

“So, what do we know other than he’s one of the first documented Aliens, and please Reid no tangents off into everything you know about Area 51,” Hotch stopped the young genius as he was about to do that very thing. Hotch gave him a warm knowing smile and Reid blushed.

“Okay, would you two stop making googly eye’s at each other?” Dave said teasingly.

Hotch glared at his friend, he just didn’t know what it was with his team, there was nothing going on between him and Spencer. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Whatever you want it to mean Aaron,” Dave smirked and the rest of the team tried their hardest to hide their smiles under their hands.

“Can we get back to work?” Hotch stood legs apart, arms crossed and his best ‘I’m the boss’ glare. They all knew he was serious this time.

“Well, we don’t know too much about Superman himself. We know he has a defined sense of right and wrong, though as we’ve all witnessed, that can sometimes cause collateral damage. Some people call him ‘The World’s Biggest Boyscout’, but I think it goes deeper than that. We know his vulnerability to kryptonite, the rare irradiated pieces of his homeworld that fell to earth. Different colors seem to have different affects, but Argus knows this already”. Reid rattled off, this time no one stopped him.

“Then we have to dig deeper. I’ve gathered all of the case files that have been compiled from the Metropolis Police Department from when he first appeared to his more recent activities. Also, Garcia, the reporter Lois Lane, she seems to know more about Superman than anyone else, I’d like you to get in touch with her and see if she’ll let you have access to any of her research”. Garcia nodded her head, making notes, “Oh, and no doing a ‘thing’ this time?”

“Sir, I won’t sir”. Garcia swallowed hard knowing she was in trouble, she gathered her things and went back to her lair to contact the reporter to see if she could sweet talk her out of her research.

“Reid I’d like you to work on a timeline of his evolution from city vigilante/hero up to when the Justice league started”.

“Hotch, why do you call him a vigilante? He’s a hero to most people”. Morgan asked.

“Yes, but he still operated outside of the law. He saves lives and helps to stop crime just like Batman yet we call him a hero because of his powers. How is what he did, how he started any different? It’s still vigilantism, but he evolved into the hero that we know now. That’s what I want you to try to figure out Reid, where did things change”.

“On it”. Reid gathered his things and the disk with the files from MPD and went to his desk to examine them. He wished they were paper because he hated using the computer for this, but the files were too numerous for him to print them all out. He was going to sort them and find the most significant cases and go from there.

Hotch had a sudden idea and called Garcia, “Hey Garcia”.

“Yes, my liege?”

“While you are trying to get a hold of Lane, why don’t you work up information on Clark Kent, see how deeply you can dig into the reporter’s life, then I want you to cross-
check Superman sightings with Kent’s articles in relation. See if there is any correlation”.

“Ohh, that’s good. When I know you’ll know, Garcia out”.

“JJ, you still have contacts with the press in Metropolis?”

“Of course, what do you want?”

“Talk to them, see what kind of chatter you get from them. I want that separate from the information that Garcia gets from Lane. Work up whatever you get and let me know when you’ve got something”.

“Got it. This should be pretty easy, there is a bit of jealousy among the ranks when it comes to Lois Lane and Clark Kent, I’m sure they’ll freely talk”.

“Morgan, Rossi and Prentiss, I’d like you to go to Metropolis for a couple of days, take a short list of names each that Superman has helped, interview all of them and see if any of them can give you any insight into the man himself, dig deeper than the known interviews”.

“Got it, we’ll co-ordinate with Reid and ferret out the good candidates. When would you like us to leave? And what if we get a case?” Prentiss wanted to make sure they weren’t stuck somewhere if a case came across their desk.

“Leave in the morning, I know it’s going to take Reid sometime to come up with the lists. Strauss has given us some down time when I told her we were working on the Superman profile. She knew what a huge task this would be. We seem to have carte blanche when it comes to this but be careful though, there maybe people out there that won’t like us digging”.

“Understood sir. Anything in particular you want us to look for, besides the obvious?”

“Demeanor, psychology, try to get to understand the hero worship and faith that people are supplying him. That kind of adoration does not go unnoticed and sometimes it can feed the ego. Find out if that ego has ever been pushed and what happened”.

Each team member was busy working on their parts of trying to ferret out a profile of Superman when indeed they got a case, unfortunately it was a series of child abductions in Mobile Alabama. Part of the problem was the children were all black and there were hints of possible racial uprising, so the Director wanted his best team on it.

It took them over a week to track down the unsub, and luckily they found all of the children alive. Hotch gave the team a few days to rest. When they came back they compiled all of the research they had done.

“There is serious hero worship going on in Metropolis, but we did come across a small but growing faction that are not fans of Superman”. Prentiss said as she sat down.

Both Morgan and Rossi confirmed this also, “Should we be concerned about this?” Hotch wanted to know if they needed to alert Homeland Security of possible attacks against the JLA.

“Not right now, like I said it was small, but most people love the guy. They think he can do no wrong, even if buildings get destroyed or if he causes property damage, they chalk it up to him being the only on to take on these super villains. That small faction, however, believes that the super villains are a result of Superman”.

“What do you guys think? What was your impression when you interviewed witnesses and survivors?”

“We came to the conclusion when we talked on the plane that it’s somewhere in the middle”.

“Okay, good. Let’s keep going. Any issues of an out of control ego?”

“Not that we could find, but Superman does like the spotlight at times”.

“Okay, let’s compile everything and start working on a formal profile. We are actually going to build two, one for Superman, and one for Clark Kent, then we search for overlap. If Garcia is right there should be a lot of similarities”.

The team got started bantering ideas back and forth. They worked pretty late and when they had it roughly worked out Hotch dismissed everyone. They would resume it the next day.
“I’d really like to know where you have found your people Aaron”.

“I guess it just doesn’t do me any good to sweep my conference room does it?”

Bruce smiled behind his mask, “Nope, not as long as you’re working for Waller…”

“Dammit Bruce, I am not working for Waller. We work for the FBI. I don’t know what the game is here but we are just doing our job”.

“You’re tech analyst, Garcia was it?” Hotch glared at Bruce, “She’s good. And really, I’ve been telling Clark for years that the glasses were a stupid disguise”. Hotch quirked up his brow, “Yes, Aaron she was correct. Clark is Superman. Now, what you do with that information is up to you, but you need to be careful”.

“Are you threatening me Bruce? Because that is not advisable”. Hotch was getting angry, and Bruce knew that he couldn’t push the man anymore. Not even his team knew just how dangerous SSA Aaron Hotchner could be.

“No Aaron, I’m not. I have to compliment your hacker on her skills. She didn’t leave a trace at Wayne, would never even have known there was a hack if I hadn’t heard it myself. Also, if you are going to fire her, she should talk to Lucius, she’d be quite an asset”. Aaron narrowed his eyes at Batman, gracing him with the famous Hotchner death glare. Batman, of course, chose to ignore it. “Your people are too good Aaron, if they keep going like this dangerous secrets could potentially be revealed. I don’t want to see them hurt, especially your young genius”. Bruce said with amusement in his voice.

“Not you too, there is nothing going on between Reid and myself. Why the hell does…Never mind I don’t want to know”.

“Anyway your genius is the reason I’m here. I need him to look at this…” Bruce threw down a file which Hotch picked up and looked through. It mostly contained a bunch of random maps.

“What is this? Other than the obvious, of course”.

“These have been left all over the city with the attached notes, but nothing bad has happened so far. I’ve gone over them a dozen times and can’t figure it out. I figured since the kid has an obsession with maps and his linguistic analysis is unmatched I figured he could take a look. Gordon is worried that we have a new player in town, but right now it just seems like a taunt, we’re not sure what it all means”.

“Is this your way of asking for help?” Hotch looked to Bruce and waited.

“You could say that”.

“Never a straight answer from you is there? Fine, I’ll have him work on this as a side project. Can I still reach you at the same number?”

“Yes, and let me know as soon as you can, I want to try to be prepared”. Batman turned to go, but looked back at Aaron and threw down a small notebook on the Unit Chiefs desk. “Oh, and give that to Garcia. She’ll appreciate it”.

Aaron picked it up but couldn’t make heads or tails out of what was written there, “What is this…?” Aaron looked up and saw that Batman was gone, “Bruce?” Aaron went to his office door but saw no signs of his friend.

“Goddamn it, I REALLY hate when he does that”.