Series: You Want us to Profile Who?
Series Order: 1
Fandom: Criminal Minds, Justice League
Category: Mystery, Procedural
Characters: Aaron Hotchner, Bruce Wayne/Batman, Spencer Reid, Other BAU Members
Summary: Amanda Waller has given the BAU an impossible task, profile the Justice League.
Tags: Crack!Fic, Dark Comedy, Crack Crossover, Experimental
Beta: None. No non-consensual Beta
Notes: THIS IS A CRACKFIC. This is an experiment and it may go horribly wrong. There won’t be regular updates as I have to get reacquainted with some of the characters. I already have plans for the founding members, but if there is a character you’d like me to do let me know in the comments.
“You want us to profile who???? Are you crazy?” SSA Aaron Hotchner hardly ever lost it in the office before, but what his section chief was asking him to do was crazy, insane beyond anything they had ever been asked before.
“This isn’t a request Agent Hotchner, you’re task is to profile the main members of the JLA. Amanda Waller of Argus has asked this of us. They want protocols in place in case any of them go completely rogue”.
“Matt, this is insane. We don’t even know the true identities of half of them let alone trying to put together profiles on them”.
“Well, Aaron, you and your team are going to have to figure it out. Here, this a list of the known registered members. I suggest you start with the founding seven and go from there”. Section Chief Matteo Cruz handed Hotch the list of members and when Hotch saw all the names he paled slightly. This was going to be a nightmare.
“They don’t need it all at once, you will do this in-between your other cases, but you will do it Aaron”.
Hotch sighed deeply, the team was not going to be happy about this. He went up to his office and contemplated how he was going to tell the team about the huge task that they had just been given. He got up and walked to his office door and said with little humor, “Conference room 5 minutes”.
The other members of his team looked up bewildered. They knew he’d had a meeting with Cruz, but they usually worked so well together that Hotch hardly ever came away angry, unlike their days under Section Chief Erin Strauss. However, the team also knew not to make Hotch wait so they quickly gathered their things and moved into the conference room.
“Hey man, do we gotta case?” Morgan asked while taking his seat.
“No, let’s wait for Garcia and I’ll tell everyone at once”. Everyone else had taken their seats when the bubbly tech analyst ran into the room.
“Sorry, sorry, I’m late Mr. bossman, I was in the middle of getting some information to Team C when I got you’re call….I’ll be quiet now”. She saw the deep frown on Hotch’s face.
“Um sir, I don’t have a case for you, is there something I should be getting started on?”
Hotch took a moment to assess his team. They were the best of the best that the BAU had to offer. Sure they’d gone rogue a few times, even toed the line but didn’t quite step over it, unless you count the incident with Agent Greenaway. No, they were good, better than good and Hotch knew they were up to the task, it didn’t mean he liked it though.
“We’ve been tasked by Argus and Amanda Waller to provide them full comprehensive profiles on the members of the Justice League”. Hotch let that bombshell settle, and knew the barrage of questions was going to come. “Hold your questions till I’m done. Believe me I tried to get us out of this but Section Chief Cruz said it goes above even his head. He gave me a list of known members, but for the time being they only want working profiles on the founding seven”.
“But, why? I mean they’ve been a force for good, what could Argus want with this?” Dr. Spencer Reid, certified genius asked.
“They want these profiles so they can have internal plans in place if any of them go rogue. Now, we are going to do these in-between our other cases and I was told these will take priority over our other consults. So, let’s get started. Garcia, how much information do we have on Batman?”
“Um, we have a lot on the vigilante, but no one knows who he actually is”.
“It’s Bruce Wayne”. Reid says matter-of-factly
“And where do you get that from boy wonder?” Morgan’s bad joke was not lost on Reid.
“It’s only logical. Look, the vigilante uses high tech gear and all his vehicles have millions of dollars worth of high end technology. There are only a few companies in the world that have the power and access to this kind of experimental tech. Wayne Industries is currently the world leader in high tech equipment. Plus, remember he was gone for several years “wandering the earth” as he tells it. Batman would need either a huge piece of land or the ability to build underground. I’m sure if we were to pull up Wayne Manor that there would be all kinds of anomalies in the architecture. Plus his family was killed right in front….” Reid looks up at Hotch not knowing if he should finish that sentence.
“It’s okay Reid. You make a good case but we do this the way we do all our other profiles..”
“Wait, wait, wait. Reid, there’s more there than you’re telling us pretty boy, so spill”. Morgan looked at Reid, who was shifting from foot to foot a little anxious. “Come on now kid, I can see it, you got a little crush on The Bat?” Morgan teased.
“No Morgan I do not have a crush on him. It’s not like that”.
Hotch narrowed his eyes and noticed the deep flush that crept up Spencer’s neck and face. “Out with it Reid, what do you know?”
Reid was getting uncomfortable and he knew he wouldn’t last under the Hotchner glare. It didn’t take long for him to break, “FINE. I met Batman once”. He looked around sheepishly.
“Oh ho holding out on us genius? When were you going to lay that bombshell down?” Garcia teased.
“Look, I came home late after the Harding case and Catwoman was there in my apartment..”
“Oh this just keeps getting better and better. Come on Spence, why didn’t you tell us?” JJ chimed in.
“This, this is why I didn’t tell you. You’d tease me about it for weeks. Anyway, she was trying to steal my copy of The Federalist Papers I’d inherited recently…”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa there pretty boy, you had a copy of one of the most expensive manuscripts just sitting around your apartment?”
“No Derek, god I’m not that stupid. No they were in a wall safe. Anyway I walked in on her and I think I startled her. She walked up to me and I thought she was going to hit
me. I was so stunned, I didn’t even think to pull my weapon on her….” Reid swallowed hard thinking about the very beautiful and curvey Catwoman.
Now even Hotch was getting into the story, this was way more interesting than doing the actual profile. He knew he should get the conversation back on track, but he too wanted to know what happened.
“And, what did she do Spencer,” Hotch actually had a smirk on his face.
“She…she….she….” Reid was babbling and he knew it. He looked around at the bemused faces and said with a blush on his face, “She kissed me”.
The whole conference room exploded in a chorus of whoops and hollers. After a couple of seconds Hotch got everyone to settle down.
“Nuh uh, that’s not all is there kid, come on spill it, what else happened?” Morgan was grinning like a cat led to cream.
“You guys, we are supposed to be doing a profile, can, can we get back to that?”
“Nope, you gotta finish the story Spence, come on, tell us,” JJ batted her pretty blue eyes at him.
Reid decided to get it over with and said quietly “She said I have nice hair”.
“What? Speak louder for us old timers kid,” Rossi said jokingly.
Reid gave the older man a Hotchner worthy glare. “I said, she told me I have nice hair. Now are you all satisfied that I am now totally humiliated”.
Morgan was laughing so hard that tears were leaking out of his eyes, “Oh my god, only you Spencer Reid would get crushed on by a well known international thief”. Morgan
calmed down and cleared his throat. “So, how does this relate to you meeting The Bat?”
“Well, he broke into my apartment because he’d heard about the possibility of Catwoman trying to steal the papers. They fought, broke half my stuff then he finally got her in cuffs. He was taking her back to Gotham. A few days later I got an anonymous donation in my checking account to pay for the damages”.
“Reid, that’s what we need. If you let me into your account I can try to trace where the money came from and we may be able to figure out who Batman is”. Garcia said excitedly.
“Garcia that will be a side project. Now, if you are done with your story Reid can we get back to work?” Hotch looked around at his team, amusement clearly written on their faces.
Rossi was the first to settle down so he started, “White male, early 40’s, definitely a sociopath. He hasn’t intentionally killed an unsub, so he isn’t psychotic. Justice based vigilante, he’s driven by a need to bring criminals to justice”.
“Yeah but Rossi, half the time these guys are let back out because the crime scenes have been contaminated. Yeah he ties them up in pretty bows for GCPD but what about
keeping the integrity of the crime scene?” Morgan had often been frustrated by the vigilante’s tactics. Especially when it came to unsubs that came across their desks. Some could have been put away for good if Batman hadn’t gotten involved.
“Morgan, I didn’t say he was right, I just said he was a Justice driven sociopath. He won’t stop, he’s become addicted to the need to serve justice, even if he has it twisted up. Our job isn’t to bring him in, our job is to profile him”. Morgan huffed out a sigh. He knew Rossi was right.
“Besides what kind of man goes around in a suit that mimics a flying rodent to scare the crap out of people?” Morgan asked with raised brows.
“Um Batman”. Reid
“Not helping Reid”.
“Who said I was helping Morgan. I just don’t think he’s as bad as you want him to be”.
“Awww pretty boy, you just want him to break in and save you again don’t you?” Morgan said with a wicked grin.
Both Hotch and Reid gave him almost identical glares.
“Well, I guess The Bat won’t be saving you anytime soon Morgan. Cause’ you know you’ll already be dead if you keep this up”. Emily looked at her partner, waiting for the comeback.
“Look, can we get back to work now?” Hotch got his team back on track.
The team worked for a couple of hours and hashed out a rough working profile. It was late so Hotch sent everyone home. They all agreed that they would work through these one by one. They’d set aside a specific time in the day, if they weren’t out on a case, to devote to the profiles.
Hotch was working late trying to get the profile on Batman formalized he heard a voice, “So, Waller finally pulled you into her game Aaron?”
Hotch looked up and sighed. “Bruce, didn’t hear you come in”.
“Your boy genius figured out who I am…”
“Are you bugging my conference room again Bruce? We talked about this. I could lose my job”.
“When I found out what Waller wanted, I had to find out just how good your people really are”.
“Too good. No wonder you keep them around. Especially the kid”. Batman smiled knowingly at Aaron.
Aaron smiled, proud of the team he commanded. He looked up at Bruce for a moment, thoughtful, “How is he Bruce”.
“Don’t ask me that Aaron, you know there is nothing to be done for him. Harvey is gone, there is just Two-Face. Aaron, you did what you had to do, stop blaming yourself”.
“Gideon once told Spencer that you don’t need a gun to kill someone, that a thorough and accurate profile is the deadliest weapon. I used that on Harvey who was already unbalanced and now look where he is. Dammit Bruce that will always be on me”.
“You weren’t the only one that pushed him there Aaron, get over it”.
“You know what Bruce? Fuck you. Harvey was my friend and now I have to deal with the consequences of my actions. I’ll still keep your secret, but I can’t say the same for my team. If they figure it out it will have to go in the profile and you will have to deal with it”. Aaron gave Batman his full glare, letting his anger show through.
“We’ll talk about this later”. And with that Batman was gone leaving a seething angry Aaron Hotchner. He didn’t know what kind of game Argus and Batman were playing but he’d be damned if they got caught in the crossfire.